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sábado, 29 de septiembre de 2012

Cosas que mi cerebro aprendio que mi corazon aun no / Things my brain learned but my heart hasn't

Hay cosas que he aprendido desde el primer indicio del autismo de mi hijo. Desde setiembre 2011 lei, me informe, averigue, pregunte pues estaba decidida a estar preparada para la llegada del diagnostico y para lo que viniera con ese diagnostico.

He aprendido muchisimo, me he dado cuenta de lo errada de mis suposiciones. He visto la vida de otra manera y por ratos me he sentido tan tranquila y tan contenta pues sentia que estaba LISTA! Nada me sorprenderia, nada me haria caer. JAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Que equivocacion.

El ser madre viene con un sin fin de sorpresas, con un hijo con autismo o no. Asi que tontamente baje la guardia. Pero no importa, se aprende a estar atenta y a estar preparada para las sorpresas.

El viernes tuve una sorpresa de aquellas. Ya mi enano tiene mas de un mes en el cole, feliz, lo recojo todos los dias y sale 99% de las veces con una sonrisa en la cara. Me dicen que le ha ido bien y que es una delicia trabajar con el. :) Ejem, ejem, madre orgullosa!

El viernes deje a mi hijita en el nido (al frente del colegio de mi hijo) y justo la hora de entrada coincide con la hora del recreo del colegio 'grande' (como lo llamamos). Vi a varios de los amiguitos de la clase de Tim. Estaban jugando juntos, se acercaron a la reja, nos saludaron a Luna y a mi. Les pregunte donde estaba Tim. Me dijeron que estaba comiendo. No me sorprendi pues el se demora mucho en comer, y hasta que no acabe pues no sale a jugar.

Al fondo vi a Tim salir con su profesora. (El esta con ayuda durante el colegio, incluido el almuerzo y el recreo) Me pregunte con quien jugaria, que haria, y me dedique a observar unos minutos que es lo que hacia. Y fue ahi que me sorprendio la realidad. No jugaba con nadie, no interactuaba con nadie, solo corria de un lado del patio al otro. Solo. La profesora lo seguia y trataba de incluir con otros ninos pero el no queria, solo queria correr. Se, por lo que he leido, que el esta feliz haciendo eso, que a lo mejor necesitaba liberar tensiones y correr lo ayudaria. Que hay veces que simplemente no va a querer las presiones de tener que interactuar con otros ninos. Pero yo sufri al ver a mi hijito solo. Mi cerebro sabe que no debo sufrir pero mi corazon no lo entendio en ese momento.

Se que una misma no quiere estar 100% del tiempo rodeada de personas y teniendo que escucharlas e interactuar. Quien me conoce bien, sabe que yo no soy asi, y que disfruto mucho de mi compania y de mi silencio. Por que entonces queria exigirle a mi hijo que sea sociable todo el tiempo o por lo menos cuando YO queria que lo fuera? Que pensamiento tan egoista el mio. Pero creo que era la necesidad en ese instante de ver por mis propios ojos que estaba bien, que tenia amigos y que estaba integrandose. Se que esta bien, que es feliz en el colegio, y que tiene amigos. Pero yo queria VERLO CON MIS PROPIOS OJOS.

Ya me calme, se que no hay mas que pueda hacer y que debo dejar de forzar situaciones sociales pues a lo mejor el no las quiere, y es feliz asi como su madre, con su propia compania y con su propio silencio. :)

__________


There are things I have learned from the first discussion about my son's autism. From september 2012 I have read, learned, researched, asked as I was adamant that I would be prepared for the arrival of his diagnosis and what came after that diagnosis.

I have learned loads, I have realized how wrong my preconceptions were. I have looked at life in a different way and for many moments have felt relaxed and so happy to be READY! Nothing would surprise me, nothing would make me trip and fall. Haaaaaaa!!! How wrong!

Being a mom comes with an endless supply of surprises, with or without autism. So being completely stupid I put my guard down. But no worries, you learn then to pay more attention and be prepared for surprises.

On Friday I had one of those surprises. My little man has been in school for over a month, he is happy. I pick him up everyday and 99% of the times he is smiling his head off. They tell me he has been good, enjoyed himself and been a pleasure to work with. :) Ehem, ehem, proud momma!

On Friday I dropped of my little girl in preschool (across the street from my son's school) and the time I  have to drop him off is the same time with recess at 'big' school (that's what we call it). I saw some of Tim's friends playing in the playground. They were playing together, they came up to the gate and said hi to me and Luna. I asked where Tim was and they said he was eating. I wasn't surprised as he takes forever to eat and until he is not done he can't come out and play.

At the back I could see Tim coming out with his teacher ( he has one to one support during the day that includes lunchtime and break). I wondered who he would play with, what he would do and kept on looking to see what he did. That is when reality kicked in. He wasn't playing with anyone, he wasn't interacting, he just ran from one side of the playground to the other on his own. The teacher followed him around trying to get him to interact with other children but my boy just ran. I know, from what I have read, that he was most likely happy doing what he was doing, that he might have needed to release tension and running was helping him do that. That sometimes the pressure of having to socialize with other children was not in his plans. But I ached for my little man. My brain understands and knows I should have felt bad but I did. My heart didn't get it.

I know that even I don't want to have people around me 100% of the time. Those who know me, know that that is what I am like, I enjoy my own company and my own silence. Why then was I expecting my son to be sociable all the time o at least in the moment where I wanted him to be sociable? How selfish am I? But I think it was the need to know and see with my own eyes he was fine, he had friends, and he was 'part of' it all. I know he is alright, he loves school and has friends. But I wanted to SEE IT MYSELF.

I am now more relaxed, I know there is not much more I can do and that I have to stop forcing social situations because he might not even want them and that, just like his mom, he is happy with his own company and with his own silence at times. :)


2 comentarios:

  1. Qué lindo escribes mi Mari. Me haces llorar y reír ☺
    Norma

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